Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
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CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”