Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
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I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
I don’t understand what’s happening here.