Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
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Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky