She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
You Might Also Like
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
If you know, you know
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.