17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
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When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.