coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
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People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
pelicons
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines