[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
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[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
Get in loser we’re going crying
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
At least my masseuse has my back.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.