“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
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Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
time for some seasonal decor
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.