My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
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Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food