[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Trying
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Bike is short for Bichael.
Still cracks me up
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.