Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
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I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.