All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
You Might Also Like
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
classic mixup
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.