Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
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You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.