Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
this makes me so uncomfortable
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I did not eat the cake…
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice