Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
You Might Also Like
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah