4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
You Might Also Like
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.