“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
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surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.