cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
You Might Also Like
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times