It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
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me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Britain be like
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Weighing up my bread heating options
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.