Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked π π€£π
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My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, itβs not cheating itβs eating
Me as a kid: when Iβm an adult Iβm gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I donβt finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
titanic
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
βIβm an animal in the bedroom.β
you like when people scratch your belly?
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. π€£
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said βI love you so much daddyβ then punched me in the face.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? Thatβs right. Somebody else.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Netflix: We have Less
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
If I ever met a Space Alien, Iβd resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. Iβm not kidding.