Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.