Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
You Might Also Like
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost