Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
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me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”