Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
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Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.