[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
💁🏻♂️
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise