Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you