THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
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i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.