Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”