PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.