I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
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[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310