[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
You Might Also Like
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
True statement👍😏😁
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.