‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
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Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Bartenders are just boneless bars