…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
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A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.