They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.