Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
You Might Also Like
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter