My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home