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This fish is cracking me up
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Grandmother clock.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter