Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.