Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.