Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
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Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.