Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
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BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Made something I’m not proud of
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Go girl power!
Spring cleaning checklist…
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.