I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
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I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man