wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
sensitive skin
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones