Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
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In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.