My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
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My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.