Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Peace was never an option
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase