I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
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I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
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the only organized thing in my life is crime
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
lmao