Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
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A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
#parenting
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.