ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
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Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
what could possibly go wrong?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
What’s so funny?
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
choose your fighter
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.