Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
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I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Customer is always right
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
White parent Vs Arab parents
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.